‘I would say I’m a perfectionist,’ a friend said to me once. ‘Only I’m just not good enough.’
It sounds like the punchline to a joke. But she was serious. A perfectionist, to her – and many others – is the person who doesn’t just make you a gluten-free, vegan birthday cake, with edible flowers and gold piping, they make it taste good too.
But she was wrong. A perfectionist may do all the above, but they’ll also apologise profusely for how awful their cake is.
Perfectionism sounds like a humble-brag. It’s admitting high standards as a failing, of being brilliant as never good enough, of always trying more, trying harder, getting it right. But it’s not about thinking you’re better than everyone else – rather, it’s about believing that whatever you do, it’ll never be enough.
And that affects more of us than we like to admit.
Perfectionism is less about trying to get it right, and more about the inner voice that tells you you’re ugly, or messy, or in the way, or somehow wrong. It’s not a benign flaw, and it’s not one to laugh off. It’s misnamed, because perfectionists don’t want to make things perfect. Instead, they’re trying desperately to be good enough.
Scratch a perfectionist, and you’ll find someone criticised as a child. It might have been for your appearance, your schoolwork, your behaviour, or something more. Whoever did it, and for whatever reason, you age with the feeling that if only you tried harder, you might avoid the punishment this time, and that inner voice will leave you alone.
Perfectionism doesn’t work for anyone. Whether you bring a three-tier chocolate cake or a last-minute bag of supermarket buns, you end up feeling bad. It’s a game with no winner, and the only way out is to quit play.
So start with recognising when you’re constantly trying to hit a standard you’ll never quite reach. Notice how the standards are inconsistent, and relate to your own judgement of what’s important and what isn’t. Maybe you spend hours on your appearance, but you have a laissez-faire attitude to housework – or vice versa. We all have our crumple spots, and that’s where perfectionism puts down its roots.
Once you notice, stop taking yourself so seriously. You turned up to a fancy dress party in the wrong outfit – so what? You sent an email to the wrong person – well, you’re only human. You had a meltdown in front of your kids – that’s life. Laugh at your ridiculousness, at this silly desire to be acceptable, at the weirdness of all of us pretending we’re not just apes with opposable thumbs.
The antidote to perfectionism is humour. Your perfectionist streak is a border guard with its hand in your face, and your sense of humour is a cheeky imp. So tickle the guard in the armpits, sneak past the box-ticking checkpoint, and make a bid for freedom. You’re allowed to be here, existing, as a crazy, silly human whose self-set high standards will never be reached. And every time you feel bad for not getting a hundred percent, stop. Disaster won’t befall you because you missed the mark. But life may pass you by if you’re busy worrying about the times you did.
© Stephanie Lam 2024
Stephanie Lam is a writer and coach, based in the UK. She writes for Breathe magazine and Gather magazine, and works with people and businesses who value wellbeing and open-heartedness. Find out more on her website stephanielam.co.uk, follow her on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/stephanie_lam_1/, or connect on LinkedIn at https://www.linkedin.com/in/stephanielam-uk
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